Breaking ‘the loop’: How awareness transforms relationship patterns.

Here’s the truth: no matter how much inner work you’ve done, you’re still human. You’re going to get bitchy, irritable, reactive. Same here.

When my husband, children and I left Maui for our season of travel, I didn’t foresee all the changes we’d encounter. Of course there are the obvious ones - but one that has really rocked me is how my time is not my time anymore. At home we had a different schedule, a different structure - and this meant I had solo time for hikes, saunas, breathwork, gym, work, I had space and I was thriving in it. Fast-forward four months, and I’ve had zero solo time. It’s been beautiful of course, but also brutal on my nervous system. And it’s shown up in my relationships.

My husband and I keep getting ‘caught in the loop.’ His words, not mine. And he’s right. We’re holding each other hostage to old versions of ourselves, already anticipating reactions before they happen. Defense mode kicks in, and connection flatlines. Sound familiar?

‘The loop’ isn’t random, it’s a pattern

These loops don’t come out of nowhere. They’re subconscious programming running the show. For many of us, it’s rooted in the mother wound, the emotional imprints we picked up from childhood.

If your mother was critical, you probably learned defensiveness. If she dismissed your feelings, you likely default to ‘my needs don’t matter.’ If love felt conditional from her, you might over-give to earn connection.

These loops replay in our adult relationships until we have the courage to look them in the face. And awareness? That’s step one.

Awareness is the breakthrough

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about ‘fixing’ yourself. It’s about catching the damn loop before it spins out of control.

Awareness is 99% of the healing process. When you see it, you can stop reacting on autopilot. You create space to respond differently. That space is the game-changer.

For me, this season isn’t about perfect communication or always being my ‘best self.’ It’s about surrendering to the fact that growth looks messy. The awareness alone is deepening our relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable as hell in the moment.

The role of the mother wound

Let’s not sugarcoat it: the mother wound is at the root of so many relational loops. Until you address it, you’ll keep recycling the same conflicts with different people.

You’ll keep defending yourself even when no one is attacking (your nervous system doesn’t need this!) . You’ll shut down your feelings because somewhere you learned they don’t matter (spoiler alert, they really do matter). You’ll chase connection by over-giving, and burn yourself out in the process (when you do this, no one wins).

But when you start to heal this wound, everything shifts. You hold yourself differently. You stop anticipating rejection or criticism. And that new energy transforms how others respond to you.

Stop waiting

You don’t need to let your relationship burn out before you take this seriously. The loops will keep spinning until you choose to interrupt them.

Awareness is step one. Actual transformation comes when you do the work of Relationship Restoration - my framework for identifying and healing the subconscious patterns rooted in the mother wound.

This isn’t about blaming your mom. It’s about reclaiming your power to create new dynamics in love, partnership, and family.

If you’re ready to stop running the same fights on repeat, stop waiting for time, space, or circumstances to fix it. They won’t.

The loops don’t define you. They’re just patterns. And patterns can be rewritten.